Leon can’t sit still for anything these days. Changing his diaper is like wrestling a greased pig in the dark because he wants to play with the wipes package, the baby powder, or the lamp. Also he recently discovered that there’s something fun down there to play with, which means I’ve had to dodge poopy hands a few times.

And we had to rearrange the furniture in the living room — the couch is now butt up against the sectional, and the ottoman is pushed against the couch to make a huge enclosed area. It looks horrible and it’s really annoying climbing over furniture, but Leon hasn’t yet figured out that he can just squeeze through the ottoman and the wall to escape, so I guess that’s something.

The only time lately that he’s stayed in one spot is when I set him down on grass. Maybe we just need to lay a strip of sod around the areas of the house that we don’t want him getting into. Ha!

I haven’t written a blog post in a while. Not because nothing has happened — on the contrary, I haven’t had time to actually sit down and write because so much has happened. Here’s everything I can remember from the past couple months:

• Leon now has two teeth. It was brutal getting to this point, because I swear he’d been teething off and on for about four months. Right before his new pearly whites broke through, he violently gnawed on anything he could jam into his little mouth, including my chin (ow) and the spring doorstop (ew). Although…not even a week after the teeth came in, he was once again fussing all day long, refusing sleep, and chewing on everything. I honestly can no longer distinguish what’s teething and what’s just a “leap.” (I don’t necessarily subscribe to the Wonder Weeks theory as it hasn’t been accurate for us, but I will say Leon is definitely a turd on some days more than others. Most of the time he’s a sweet, curious little boy and he gets tons of compliments on how happy he is, but those times he’s not I take him to daycare a little early so I can have some peace and quiet on my ride into work. Real talk.)
• This kid is on the move! For a few weeks he’d just “swim” when we put him on his belly. Then a couple weeks ago his daycare had teacher inservice, and Minh stayed home with him and (allegedly) taught him how to Army crawl. At least that’s what Minh insists. I decided not to tell him that Leon was bound to do that eventually.
• He’s started solids! This was bittersweet for me, since it was so convenient to just feed him while laying back on the couch scrolling through Facebook a scholarly article. But it’s fun to see him get excited about new foods — his favorites are peas, butternut squash, corn, and avocado. So far we’ve mostly given him vegetables — with some protein thrown in for good measure — so he doesn’t decide he hates vegetables when he tries the sweeter fruits. But tonight he tries banana, so it’s on!

• He’s outgrown his infant seat. We bought a convertible seat for my car, so unfortunately it means we can no longer just unclip the seat from the base and tote him around that way. (That said, he was getting heavy enough that it was starting to be unbearable anyway.) But for the time being, the seat is only in my car, which means I’m the default driver now. 🙁
• He now sleeps in his crib! We even had to lower it because he’s able to arch up like a seal and it would have been any day before he grabbed onto the railing and leaped over it. (Now to get that terrifying mental image out of my head…) So if he’d just go ahead and sleep through the night sometime, that’d be cool. Hear that, Leon?
• He likes to babble and clap and bang toys on things (including my face). He also likes to pull hair, and his grasp is so strong that I’ve literally debated a pixie cut.

Side note: I’m pretty stoked that Leon is starting to look like me. Minh denies it, but obviously only out of stubbornness because look at the similarities. It’s like, which one is Leon? Which one is me? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

* Obviously Leon is not an adult, otherwise he would be helping pay bills and cleaning up his own messes. Did you see his eggy face? I had to clean all that up!

We just celebrated Memorial Day weekend. Minh and I took an extra day off work for vastly different reasons — me, to do everything I can’t finish with Leon in tow; and Minh, to do nothing at all. One of the items on my to-do list was to give Minh a haircut. I usually give him his haircuts, but for whatever reason I just haven’t felt like it lately. So for the past month I’ve been begging him to just buy a Groupon and go somewhere during his lunch hour so he didn’t look so much like a fluffy homeless guy. Minh insisted that I cut it (which I like to think is because he appreciates my above-average buzzing skills and not because he’s too cheap to drop $12 at SportClips), so whatever — today was the perfect day to do it. I practiced a new technique on his facial hair, which didn’t quite work out…so in addition to a closer-than-usual haircut, he also now has no beard.

Here’s our specimen in his “before” form, for reference. I don’t have an “after” photo because I don’t feel like getting off my chair, but just imagine about 10 pounds less hair.

Anywho, since we were both free this afternoon to pick Leon up, we swung by daycare together. Minh bounced over to Leon and performed his usual song and dance to make him laugh, but instead he slowly puckered his face into a frown and started crying! It didn’t take us long to realize that it was because of Minh’s bold new look — little guy was so confused why his daddy’s voice was coming out of a clean-cut stranger!

Leon was obviously very traumatized from this deception, so he fell asleep as soon as we got home from daycare. Minh and I were joking around after dinner and Minh yelled “BOOM!” really loudly and woke Leon up. So Minh’s just kind of 0 for 2 today. Poor kid.

​I’ve stressed myself out about Leon’s sleep since pretty much Day 1, but now that we’re in the midst of the four-month sleep regression I’m finding myself more and more frustrated each night. I’m frustrated that it takes multiple attempts and several crutches to get him to finally calm down. I’m frustrated that after an agonizing transition to the crib, he suddenly can’t even be laid down in it without immediately opening his eyes and screaming (so we’ll have to go through that transition again). I’m frustrated that he’s now waking up every hour after about 2 a.m. I’m frustrated that our go-to soothing techniques take twice or even three times as long. Mostly I’m frustrated from reading so many horror stories that this isn’t a phase, it’s just how it’ll be FOREVER (insert dramatic thunderclap).

The last couple nights when he’s crying, I just curl up in a ball on the couch while Minh soothes him. It isn’t fair for me to just leave the hard work to him, but I just get so overwhelmed when I can’t stop his fussing. It’s frustrating mostly because he was once so okayish at sleeping!

And of course, then I feel guilty because I’m frustrated yet I totally signed up for having a baby knowing that this was part of the deal.

It doesn’t make it any easier that all the articles I’ve read disagree with each other — let him cry it out, don’t let him cry it out; nurse him to sleep, don’t nurse him to sleep; try a lovey, he’s too young for a lovey. The only advice that I’ve found that is consistent is “put him down drowsy but awake.” Which is a pipe dream. I’d be happy just putting him down without him immediately jolting himself awake.

Minh and I spent weeks transitioning him to his crib from the Rock’n’Play. Many nights he’d wake up before 11 p.m. and I’d walk back and forth from the crib to the guest bedroom (where I now sleep so I don’t have to walk through the house every time he wakes up). Pick him up when he cries, put him to sleep, wait ten minutes, pick him up when he cries, put him to sleep, wait ten minutes… Eventually, with a rolled-up towel and jerry-rigged wedge pillow, we were able to mimic the Rock’n’Play enough that he slept from 8:30 to 6:30 with only one wakeup! I crawled into the downstairs bed in the morning for Minh to start his shift and whispered, “He woke up once. It was glorious.”

And then this regression happened, and we’re back to square one. He’s suddenly decided won’t sleep in anything but the swing.

I’ve bought so much stuff to try to prompt him to sleep for longer stretches. (Side note: It’s sad the amount of money tired parents are willing to spend just to get an extra hour of sleep.) But as of right now, I’m not willing to do the Ferber/Weissbluth sleep methods. I have no judgement for people who let their babies cry it out, but for me, Leon’s screams are like nails on a chalkboard and I get extremely anxious if I’m unable to soothe him immediately. It’s not his fault he can’t sleep well, and he’s probably just as frustrated as I am. My baby’s still a baby and can’t comfort himself yet. He needs his mommy.

Tonight it took a little over an hour of nursing to put him to sleep, but he at least fell asleep at 8:15 (as opposed to 11:30 on Sunday and 10:30 last night). I’m holding out hope. It’ll get better eventually. It has to, no matter how long it takes. This is my test, and hopefully I emerge from the other side a more patient (and better rested) mama!

​When I was pregnant, I read so many ​​​accounts from first-time moms about how it took a few months to truly feel ​​love for their ​child — that one day, they just looked down at their baby and felt this inexplicable, unconditional bond.

Blah, blah, blah.

​After Leon came home, I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know if I’d ever feel that sort of love for him. I spent ​several nights ​Googling “when does having a newborn get easier” and ​​​poring over the forum threads in the ​search ​results. I knew I loved my baby based on my reaction to him spending time in the NICU; he was fragile and innocent and didn’t deserve to be sick. ​And part of me was excited that he was finally here. But​ there was definitely a part of me that was resentful of the fact that I ​now had just a few minutes to stuff a sandwich down with my left hand while bouncing and swaying him in the carrier. That after struggling through a painful feeding, I had limited time to pee, shower, nap, or do anything before we’d have to wrestle through it again. That I would be so sore — not just from my c-section, but from mastitis, cracked nipples, strained neck muscles, constipation, clogged ducts, ​etc.​ That I would go days without venturing outside, ​but the effort required to get Leon ready (combined with the fear of a public meltdown) made leaving the house completely unappealing.​​ That I would be so tired I would literally hallucinate and forget where I put my child.​

​I knew having a baby would be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard.

But week by week, and before I could even make sense of everything, it started to get easier. Leon still eats a lot, obviously, but we don’t have latching issues anymore. I love seeing him smile when he realizes he’s about to get food, and my heart melts when he puts his hand on my chest like he’s clutching a bottle. He’s more content entertaining himself, so I can put him in his swing or sit-me-up chair and he’ll coo and gnaw on his fingers while I eat (he even sits in his high chair while Minh and I eat dinner each night). And he’s usually sleeping 6 to 8 hours in one stretch (according to my Fitbit, I got more than 10.5 hours of sleep last night).

Sure, doing extra laundry still sucks, and washing a million bottles every night is pretty much the bane of my existence. But now, the hard parts are a different kind of hard. Now, I worry about if he’s stimulated and/or held enough (seriously, the mom guilt is real). I fret about tummy bugs and unvaccinated children (and whether or not I’ll turn him into a germophobe because of my overreaction about it). My mind races every time I wake up before he does.

There’s still a lot I have to learn about Leon’s personality — what’s his favorite hobby, does he like sports, is he creative — and I can’t wait. My favorite part of the day is picking him up from daycare and getting photos with a report of what he did that day. He’s my go-to conversation topic at work, which I’m sure is super boring to my coworkers but he’s just. so. perfect. When he unexpectedly falls asleep for the night at 7:45 p.m., ​I ​find myself ​disappointed that I didn’t have a chance to play with him much or give him a bath. His personality grows every day, and I’m excited to be an impressionable part of it.

It’s scary​ to love someone unconditionally. It’s scary to NOT CARE that I don’t have time to run anymore despite wanting to get back into shape, that I carve time out of my day to sit by a machine and be pumped like a cow so he can exclusively ​​drink breastmilk,​ that the skin on my stomach isn’t as firm as it used to be​ because I hauled around his big-ass head for 39 weeks​,​ that I wake up earlier so I can be the one to take him to daycare because I want to see him as much as possible before I go to work. It’s scary that ​I don’t care about those things because Leon​ deserves​ to be​ as​ healthy ​as possible ​and know that he’s loved.​ It’s scary that I might do all these things and he might still end up being an asshole, but hey.​

So to the families expecting or those in the thick of it: I’ll save you a Google search. It does get easier. And I’m not that far out from the newborn boot-camp, so maybe we’re just going through an “easy” phase right now — but whatever, I’ll take it.

Leon’s first day at daycare was yesterday. Minh and I wanted to start him on his new schedule about a week before I went back to work so that if it affected his sleep, I wouldn’t be completely screwed before I started work. In theory.

Minh has said before that I tend to get more obsessive-compulsive when I’m stressed. But I chalked up my enthusiastic organizing to being a first-time mom and just “being prepared” in general: typing up a two-page diatribe about Leon’s favorite ways to fall asleep and how to mix his milk so he’d drink it, laying out his outfits for the week, packing up three boxes with crib sheets, diapers, wipes, receiving blankets, bottles, and spare clothes. This weekend I made copies of his care instructions and emergency contacts and tucked them in every corner of his belongings. I organized the breastmilk chronologically and picked three gallon-sized bags from different dates to minimize the likelihood of sending him with all freezer-burned milk. I even bought formula in case he refused to drink any of the thawed breastmilk, and I made sure to label the bottle “LEON NGUYEN – — USE AS A LAST RESORT ONLY” and tape the top shut to deter any exhausted teachers from resorting too quickly to formula. I made a custom ringtone for the school and downloaded the school’s app so I’d be receiving notifications in real time.

I was prepared. Leon was prepared.

But on Sunday night, after I nursed him to sleep and slowly crawled into bed like a ninja, I found myself suddenly crying as I thought about how scared and alone he’d feel on his first day. Why did his mommy drop him off and leave him with all these new people? Babies don’t understand object permanence until about 10 months, so he wouldn’t know that I’d be coming back to get him in just a few hours. In the past 11 months, he had never been away from me for more than two hours. He’d be by himself and Minh and I would be helplessly trusting strangers to care for him. I wandered out of the bedroom and Minh consoled me enough so that I could go back and fall asleep.

On Monday, Leon and I made it to his classroom and I attempted to review the drop-off notes that I had printed and typed in the app. The teachers were distracted, attempting to soothe multiple babies while changing crib sheets and therefore seemed uninterested in my concerns. I swayed Leon, assuring him (and myself), “You’re going to have a good day, right?” The lead teacher must have sensed the anxiety in my shaky voice — she cooed, “Take your time, mama” as she stretched a green sheet over a tiny mattress. The fact that all the babies were crying at once was not indicative of the skill of the teachers or the quality of the school, I told myself. All babies cry, all babies cry, all babies cry…

I left promising the teachers that I’d be just a phone call away and urging them to call me for anything. My phone is usually on silent, but when I got home, I turned up the volume so that when they called I’d be able to hear it.

Minh was working from home yesterday, so he suggested we visit Leon during his lunch break. When we arrived, Leon was getting his diaper changed and most of the babies were napping. The teachers seemed less frazzled than before, as at that point they’d probably finished their beginning-of-the-week routine. Leon’s lead teacher took some time to chat with us and assured us that Leon was adjusting very well, and she even made some suggestions for us to use at home. I nursed Leon to sleep and we slinked out.

I felt better after our positive interaction with the teachers and learning that Leon was doing well. I spent the afternoon running errands and Gchatted Minh as I suddenly choked up as a thought sneaked into my head: Leon’s a big boy now. He’s doing so well without me, he doesn’t even need his mommy anymore. Minh assured me that “he did so good because [I am] so good with him” and of course he needs me so he can learn even more.

When I picked Leon up that evening, he was extraordinarily content. He even slept a new record — almost six hours in one stretch! Minh and I got tons of information about his day in his daily report — diaper changes, feedings, naps, activities, even a couple pictures.

This morning, I had an entirely different frame of mind. I dropped Leon off in the morning, then drove home, pumped and ate breakfast, and laid down for a solid nap before getting a massage this afternoon. Nothing to see here, move along.

Leon will be 10 weeks old tomorrow. He’s a whopping 13 lbs 5 oz and 23.25 inches long! He’s even noticeably heavier, which means pretty soon I’m going to be sporting some fierce biceps.

Poor baby got his two-month vaccines today. He was so calm for his hepatitis B shots that I went in not thinking anything of it. I was excited to learn how much he’d grown and had a few questions for the doctor. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. The nurse jabbed him with the first needle and he screamed in a way I’ve never heard him scream before. I felt like I betrayed him for cheerfully bringing him somewhere where I knew he would experience the worst pain of his life (so far). We had to wait in the room for a little bit afterwards because I almost started bawling, and I still got teary-eyed when I thought about it for several hours afterwards. Aside from the one scream, he was completely fine and even fell asleep in the car on the ride home, so I really had no reason to even be emotional. Damn these mom hormones!

Leon starts daycare next week so he can get acclimated, and I’ll return to work before the end of the month. I’m going to sound like a cliché first-time mom, but it has seriously gone by so fast; I feel like I went into labor just a couple weeks ago, and now my leave is almost over? I kind of thought that we’d luck out and I’d have a baby who slept through the night by the time I went back to work — yeahhh…let’s all laugh together. At least he’s starting to be more predictable in terms of napping and sleeping. Most days he takes three or four naps, but many nights he’ll go through several feed-then-sleep cycles before starting his first long stretch at about 11:30 p.m. Last night he slept 8.5 hours and woke up just once — thankfully (for me), he woke up during Minh’s shift so I pretty much got to sleep for eight hours. Way to make mommy proud, kiddo!

Dude’s hair is out. of. control. In addition to only really growing on the left side, the back has layers that haven’t grown in at all, so from behind his head kind of looks like a smashed tiramisu. Despite looking like a half-Asian Michael Richards sometimes, I find his ‘do endearing and I secretly hope he inherited my weird curly hair. Don’t tell Minh.

Like his daddy, Leon prefers being naked. He also seems to enjoy baths, as they can quiet him during a crying bout, but he always makes these weird faces when I pour water on him. After multiple obsessive checks to ensure the water was neither too hot nor too cold, I concluded that that’s just what he does with his face when water is poured on him.

He had his first major blowout a couple days ago. It involved two showers, one bath, a load of laundry, copious amounts of 409, and a giggling baby. Yesterday I looked down and realized I somehow still had some poop on my foot. And they say parenthood isn’t glamorous.

Thankfully, he now seems to be content more often than he isn’t (knock on wood). He’s started having back-and-forth “conversations” with us, and I like to pretend that I know exactly what he’s trying to tell me. His giggles are my favorite; so long as he’s fed and well-rested, just making eye contact and talking in a high-pitched voice will usually provoke a laugh or two. He’s also pretty keen on his plush giraffe rattle. (I hope that someday he loves us as much as he loves that thing.) He can’t hold objects quite yet, but he can smack the hell out of the toys on his activity mats, and he’s now big enough to kick the piano keys!