I reached my goal, and now I’m done.

When Leon was born, I wanted to try breastfeeding for one month. I didn’t anticipate being able to breastfeed at all since I had read so much about how difficult it was, but the nurses in the hospital were helpful and encouraged trying. I was pretty shocked we survived the first few weeks, so I pushed our goal out to three months. Then six months. Then a year.

But I recently realized breastfeeding was no longer enjoyable to me and I was looking forward to the day I would wean. I battled so much momguilt after that realization because I know that Leon prefers breastfeeding over drinking from bottles. But now he’s able to drink cow’s milk since he’s over a year old — and he loves Minh just fine despite his non-lactating nipples, so I figured he’ll be fine without mine.

We made it. One year without a drop of formula.

And was it worth it?

Probably not, actually.

I spent so much time in the early days power-pumping around the clock to increase my supply, washing pump parts with that stupid pipe-cleaner brush, and massaging so many painful clogs. I escaped every few hours we were apart to hook myself up to a machine for 30 minutes. I got mastitis and had to go on antibiotics twice. I had high lipase milk and had to scald everything I pumped on the stove before I could freeze it. In the first few months I frequently laid in bed at night, unable to sleep because of the pain from my chapped, cracked, and/or blistered nipples. I was sick several times since I started my new job, but couldn’t take the medicine I’d need to feel better. I got bit almost every nursing session lately. I stressed daily about whether or not I’d have enough milk for the following day. And for crying out loud, I haven’t had any caffeine since before he was born.

And Leon was sick constantly, so it’s not even like he has a shiny immune system to show for it. But hey, I probably saved a few bucks, so there’s that.

I gave it a try. And it was a good try. So a pat on the back to me and a pat on the back to Leon, but now it’s time to move on.

To my sweet boy,

A year ago today, after 19 hours of labor ending with an emergency c-section, I met the baby who made it all worth it. In just 365 days since, you have taught me how to love unconditionally and how to enjoy the “little” moments.

This past year has been the most enjoyable year of my life. I watched this flailing newbie grow into a beautiful, happy, curious boy who likes chewing on his socks and dances to The Office theme song EVERY time. I’ll never get tired of popping into your classroom at daycare and seeing your face light up when you notice me. I love watching your sense of humor blossom every day — it’s ALMOST like you’re a little 28″ version of your father. You’re so present in each moment and so creative in how you interact with the world.

We’ve had our share of challenges (a NICU stay, 10ish months of sleep deprivation, an ambulance ride to Children’s…), but your persistently happy outlook has taught me a thing or two about thinking positively and holding on to what really matters.

Happy first birthday, little monkey — I feel like I’ve known you for so long already, yet at the same time I can’t wait to learn you as you grow older.

Love,
Mama(mamamamamamama)​

It’s been a minute since I’ve last posted (homeslice has gotten me sick twice in the past three weeks #ThanksLeon), and this little man has changed so much recently!

He took his first steps about a week ago. He’s only taken a step once since (that I’ve seen), but I’m sure he’ll be running around before we’re ready no matter what. He can stand for about 5-10 seconds at a time, and he can cruise furniture and walk around using only one hand for balance.

Despite the fact that I bought a fuzzy stuffed monkey ages ago to be his lovey, I guess his socks have filled the role. He puts them in his mouth and crawls around with them, and I can typically distract him for a solid 60 seconds by giving him one of the half-dozen socks strewn around the house. There is a chance I have been encouraging this because I think it’s funny.

He’s getting really good at eating with his fingers. In fact, since he’s started the transition to the First Steps room at daycare, he’s shunned purees since he sees his big-kid friends eating with their fingers. (This is cool, but I hope he’s not as easily swayed by peer pressure as a teenager.) He loves freeze-dried fruits – and I love them too, because they’re easy to grab on the go. He eats sooo much — typically he’s shoveling food in his mouth consistently for a good 30 minutes before we cut him off so he doesn’t get a tummyache. So far his favorites are chicken, bananas, and black beans. (He did love avocados until one day last week he decided mid-meal they were the worst and he hasn’t eaten them since. Kids, amirite?)

He can sign “more” and “all done,” but he often gets frustrated when he’s hungry and forgets to do them. But he can say “mama” and “dada” very clearly. He loves giving Minh high-fives.

His left front tooth has poked through, and the right one will break through the gumline any day.

His school pictures came back — look at this handsome little goober.

When Leon first learned to crawl, Minh arranged the furniture in the living room to section off a baby-safe corner of the house. The new arrangement insulted the house’s feng shui* — but it achieved its purpose of keeping Leon reined in, so I tried not to complain too much. But as time went on he would scream like a banshee when we set him down in his play area because he knew he was stuck there. So before Minh got home on Friday I rearranged the furniture back to its original position, and Leon’s been cheerfully cruising around the house ever since.

We’re still getting the hang of having a danger-oblivious munchkin at our heels. This morning I opened the door to let the dogs out, and when I turned around I found Leon wrist-deep in Six’s bowl, happily sucking on a kibble of dog food. (Mind you, this wasn’t the first time he’s eaten dog food since the furniture rearrangement.) Yesterday Minh did the same and ended up fishing a dried leaf out of Leon’s mouth.

Between his mobility and his fearlessness, we’ve had to keep a careful eye (and hand) on him at all times. For example, I was giving him a bath a couple days ago and he thought it was hilarious to lurch forward and slide around in the tub. Giggle, rinse, repeat. What he didn’t notice (or care about) was that I was clutching his arm so he didn’t fall backwards and smack the back of his head on the porcelain. During his bath yesterday I think he realized it wasn’t quite as fun to slide around in a bathtub that has anti-slip bath decals. Leon: 0, Mom: 1.

He’s definitely developing preferences, not just for danger, but also for “toys” (cups, flat objects like books, doorstops, lids — not any of the toys I actually spent money on) and foods (butternut squash, chicken, blueberries, grapes, melon, dog food). This weekend he kept shouting “Muh!” in his high chair. I was so excited that he could articulate the “m” sound — was he actually saying “mom”?! But Minh quickly pointed out that he was consistently yelling “muh” whenever I wasn’t putting food on his tray fast enough.

More. He was saying more.

My son’s first word is a demand to keep shoveling food in his mouth.

* Just kidding. It was mostly just a pain to crawl over furniture every time I wanted to sit down and watch TV.