We went to a NICU reunion this afternoon. Honestly, it was mostly so I could reclaim some of those negative memories from when Leon was born. I dressed Leon in a dorky sweatervest in preparation for possibly having to make small talk with other uncomfortable parents.

But the reunion was grander than I expected — it was essentially a carnival with popcorn and bounce houses and face-painting and a snowcone truck. Leon didn’t care about anything other than the balloons, to be honest. We spent five minutes letting him bat at two balloons by the water station before we got bored and took him to the bounce house.

But it was surreal to be back, from circling through the parking garage to sauntering down the hallways I used to speedwalk through to to get to my OBGYN appointments. It was kind of nice to come full circle and be back with a healthy child. Not that Leon isn’t sick every other week and permasnotty, but you know…

Leon’s been working on his vocabulary lately. He can say/recognize about 20 words and will respond to simple sentences (“let’s put that back,” etc.). I made a list of what he knows now, just because I don’t want to forget the cute ways he says everything. Note that mama is “dah.” ?

All done – “ah duh”
Ball – “ba”
Balloon – “ba ba”
Banana – “na na”
Bye bye – “buh buh”
Clock – “dock”
Dada – “dada”
Dog – “dahg”
Grass – “ga”
Head – “ehhhh”
Hello – “hewwo”
Hi – “hi”
I love you – “ah yuh yuh”
Light – “yight”
Mama – “dah”
Milk – “muh”
More – “muh”
Outside – “ah duh”
Phone – “hi”
Sock – “dock”
Tree – “hee”
Uh-oh – “ungh ungh”
Water – “bah bah”
Yeah – “yeah”

Leon got his clearance from the cardiologist this morning. With exactly 12 hours until his first time under anesthesia, my feelings about everything have only amplified. I’m nervous for the uncertainty of surgery, I’m relieved that he’ll no longer feel constant pressure, I’m excited for him to hear clearly for the first time. I also feel so much love and adoration for such a small human. He drives me crazy sometimes when he flings his food on the floor or he barrel rolls out of a diaper change and runs through the house naked, but he also pulls on my heartstrings — he crawls in my lap in the morning when he’s still sleepy and hugs my legs when he’s feeling particularly shy. He covers his eyes and giggles when he wants to play peek-a-boo and shares his soggy, chewed-up food with me. And he’s cute, which I guess also gets him pretty far.

I don’t know how some moms manage to go all day without telling stories about their kids. I feel like I talk about Leon as often as a 14-year-old talks about a new boyfriend. I need to figure out a way to summon some social aptitude, because I feel like right now my interactions are essentially a soundbite from that old Bush-Gore Snickers commercial.

Someone else: I’m not feeling too great.
Me: Might want to hit up the doctor — Leon had the flu a couple weeks ago.

Someone else: I’m going to order the salad with beets.
Me: Weird, Leon hates beets — it’s the only food I can’t get him to eat. I can’t even hide them in anything! Crazy, right?

Someone else: I rearranged my furniture this weekend.
Me: Leon rearranges the chairs and his big toys all the time. I could barely keep up with him when he was just putting blocks in random cabinets!

Someone else: I made spaghetti last night.
Me: I once made a human!

Someone else: Kindly shut up.

I might be exaggerating, but nonetheless I’m literally 100% uncool. That said, someday he’ll want nothing to do with me, so I’m going to enjoy my sweet boy while I can.

A lady from the surgery office called me this morning to confirm his appointment and reiterate some of the more important points. She said that she was required to tell me that since Leon’s a minor, one parent or guardian needs to stay inside the building at all times. I responded by asking, “Yes, but how close can I be?” Apparently the answer is “a nearby room” and not “looking over the surgeon’s shoulder.”

Tomorrow at this time the anesthesia will be worn off and it’ll all be over — just another day. In the meantime I’ll be over here looking at pictures of my baby while he sleeps and wading in all my feelings.

​​Now that Leon’s recovered from his fourth ear infection since November, I asked his pediatrician for a referral to an otolaryngologist. We started our appointment this morning with a hearing test; Leon and I sat in a soundproof room with speakers in opposite corners, and I was instructed to stay still so I didn’t bias the test. Through the speakers, the audiologist called Leon’s name and played high-pitched beeps at low volume; when Leon turned his head to look at the source, she played a video of a dancing toy to serve as positive reinforcement. I was so tempted to congratulate him when he correctly turned his head to the noise, and I wanted to prompt him to look when he didn’t respond to a few of the beeps. Then the audiologist stuck some little bud things in his ear, he got mad, and we read a bunch of Dora the Explorer books as we waited for the doctor.

The doctor came in, and, after asking me about Leon’s health history, said he is a great candidate for ear tube surgery. She explained that his eustachian tube is too small to drain effectively and the tubes will allow that fluid to drain. I felt really assured learning about the procedure. The biggest takeaway was that Leon currently has fluid behind his ears (not an infection anymore, though he’s still finishing his antibiotics) and is actually experiencing some hearing loss/muffling due to all that fluid. She said now is the time to do the surgery since he needs to be able to hear us clearly to pick up on language. It might even help with his poor balance too, but I’m not holding my breath because maybe he just inherited my clumsiness.

Minh was concerned when I mentioned hearing loss, but I explained that the doctor didn’t see any signs of nerve damage so his hearing should theoretically return to normal after the surgery. I felt like I was able to reassure him immediately after the appointment, but as the day wore on I started getting anxious myself. The procedure would take place in a surgery center and they’d be putting him under general anesthesia. What if he reacts negatively to the anesthesia? What if they accidentally OD him? He’s the first surgery of the day — what if their coffee hasn’t kicked in yet? Didn’t Joan Rivers die due to complications with anesthesia?

I know it’s a super common procedure for them, but with it being my sweet baby boy and his first time under anesthesia I’m feeling so nervous I could throw up. I believe 110% that this is the right decision; I just there was a way for him to lay still and not be in pain without having to use anesthesia. I did do my due diligence to request clearance from the pediatric cardiologist due to his mild stenosis, but I have yet to hear back. Since my freakout earlier in the day, I’ve read a doctor’s FAQ about how anesthesia works and I feel a little better — it said that the likelihood of a healthy person having issues with complications with anesthesia is 1 in 300,000, but still…someone’s gotta be that 1. No matter what, I won’t be completely at ease until he wakes from the procedure.

Thankfully, I only have a week left to freak out and Leon only has a week left of fluid in his ears, because the surgery will be next Thursday. Crossing my fingers and toes that it goes well.

Leon’s sick. Again.

At first we thought it was just a fever from the one-year vaccines he got last week. But a couple mornings ago, he just wanted to lay on me. I held him like a newborn (which he usually hates nowadays), and he just stared off into space for 15 or 20 minutes. I didn’t know what was happening (was he having a seizure?); it was so unusual for him to be so calm and still that I was honestly afraid he’d just stop breathing right there. I haven’t been that afraid for his health since we left the NICU. I called the doctor immediately, and that afternoon he was diagnosed with the flu and an ear infection. Then I noticed three teeth coming in. Awesome.

Unfortunately our pharmacy was out of the antibiotics he was prescribed for his ear infection, so he wasn’t able to take his first dose until last night. The infection must have gotten worse throughout the day yesterday, because he screamed almost the entire day. At one point, he hyperventilated/cried while arching his back and kicking his legs. I tried holding him against me, singing, offering food, anything — but he just thrashed around for 45 minutes. I felt so helpless because he wasn’t due for any more Tylenol or ibuprofen for a couple hours. Eventually he wore himself out and fell asleep against my chest. (I’ve since reached out to his pediatrician about the possibility of tubes since this is the third or fourth ear infection he’s gotten in the past couple months.)

This morning when he woke up, he drank more milk than usual and then drank half the additional Pedialyte I offered him. He ate almost his usual breakfast, and he seemed to be in decent spirits. He showed me a new trick of balancing a toy boat on his foot, and he happily chattered to himself while I took a shower. Minh said he slept pretty much all morning, then ate quite a bit. After such an upsetting and overwhelming day yesterday, I’m hopeful he’s on the mend.